BITCHES WANT TO KNOW:
Ok, I want your shit. How do I pay?
Woo hoo! We’re happy to accept PayPal payments, as well as all major credit cards. Just don’t try to pay us in livestock, gold doubloons, or sexual favors. We don’t stand for that. Don’t even fucking ask.
When does my shit ship?
Well, fucking FAST! We ship within 1-2 business days, bar none, even when it’s a madhouse here.
My shit shipped. When will it get here?
That depends just a bit on what you ordered:
- Small items like lip balms, lotion bars, etc will ship via First Class, which usually takes 2-5 business days.
- Larger orders and gift sets will ship via Priority, which usually takes 1-3 business days.
We ship everything with USPS, unless you’re in fucking Singapore.
What about returns? You down with that?
We’re happy to accept returns on unopened, unused items. Please holler within seven days of receiving your order so we can get that shit processed for you. Returns are subject to a $3.50 restocking fee. If the item is not returned in its original condition, the buyer is responsible for any loss in value.
My shit was damaged in transit. What do I do?
Aw, nuts! Email us ASAP at firstname.lastname@example.org with a picture of the damage and we can get it sorted out.
My order never arrived. What gives?
If your order hasn’t arrived within 14 days of shipment, email email@example.com. I’ll be happy to check tracking for you to see if there was an issue. If your order was marked delivered by the USPS, you’ll be able to get in touch with them to find out what happened.
I'm international. Will I be charged for customs fees?
Hell, we don’t know the persuasions of your particular country! What are we, international trade experts?
But seriously, if your country decides to assess customs fees on your order, then yeah, you’ll have to cover them. Sorry bout that. If your order is returned to us due to nonpayment of customs fees, it will NOT be eligible for a refund, due to the perishable nature of our products. Extra sorry bout that one.
Are you going to steal my identity?
All of our payments are processed through Shopify, and they keep everything nice and secure, so even if you ASKED me to go in and put another lip balm on your card (or, you know, a lovely secondhand Porsche) I 100% could not do that. We only get your email and mailing address, and believe us, we keep that shit locked DOWN.